What happens if your child refuses to go to school

While some children thrive at school, others may struggle with its demands. School can be especially difficult for children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), due to the social pressures and sensory experiences associated with busy hallways and classrooms. This is why some children may try to avoid going to school, a behaviour often referred to as ‘school refusal’.

It can be a challenging situation for parents, too. You might experience guilt whichever way you turn – forcing a distressed child through the school gates or letting them stay home and missing a day of education.

But we all know how important school is for children, both in terms of their education and social development. So, how can you encourage your child’s attendance, even when they refuse?

In this guide, Dr Lisa Williams explores school refusal, explaining some of the common causes and how you can help your child overcome school-related stress and anxiety.

Why do children refuse to go to school?

Understanding why your child is worried about going to school is often the first step in supporting their return. Some common reasons children with autism might refuse to go to school include:

• Social demands: Children with autism can sometimes struggle with developing and maintaining social relationships. This is often due to difficulty reading social cues or understanding humour, sarcasm and other aspects of language. For some children, this can lead to them consciously avoiding social interactions and, ultimately, feeling lonely or isolated.

• Heightened stress: Almost every child experiences occasional feelings of stress at school when learning difficult concepts or as exams and deadlines loom. But for children with autism, these feelings of stress can be overwhelming and lead to meltdowns or burnout.

• Sensory overload: School can be a stressful place. Classrooms can be loud, crowded and full of other sensory stimuli. And that’s not to mention lunchtimes in the schoolyard. Children with autism can be more attuned to sensory input, making these environments especially uncomfortable.

• Getting in trouble: For some children with autism or ADHD, their personal quirks can lead to them being seen as naughty or disruptive. This might be due to getting easily distracted or being direct with their speech. If this leads to them being told off, dismissed or held back, it can make their school experience more stressful.

• Changes to routines: Children might be more reluctant to go to school on non-standard days, like sports days or school trips, as these represent changes to their daily routine.

So, if your child is experiencing one or multiple of these stressors, what can you do to support them?

How to help children who refuse to go to school

If your child is showing signs of school refusal – or even daily distress at the thought of going in, you might be able to support them in the following ways:

Try to understand their personal experiences

Not every child’s experience is the same, and it’s unhelpful to assume why they’re avoiding school or not enjoying their education.

Try speaking to your child about their time at school to see if you can find out what’s causing their anxiety.

If you can understand why they’re struggling, you might be able to help them access personalised support – such as asking teachers to make sure they have a partner for group projects or negotiating deadline extensions.

Help them take back control

If your child is struggling with disruption to their routine or dealing with the unknown, try helping them stay in control of the other aspects of their day, outside of school.

When a child’s personal life is equally uncertain, disrupted or chaotic, it’s only going to be more difficult for them to prepare for the school day and concentrate during lessons.

It can be helpful to create reliable morning and nighttime routines, such as laying out their school uniform for the next day, waking up at the same time every day and having the same breakfast each morning.

Break the day into sections

A school day can feel overwhelming – between registration, classes, break times and even extra-curricular activities.

So, it can be helpful for children with autism to break the day into smaller, more manageable sections.

They might even benefit from creating a visual map or flow chart of different parts of their day or reframing their thinking to only focus on the first thing they’ll do in their day.

Avoid forcing them

If a child is stressed enough by the thought of school to refuse going, it’s not necessarily helpful to force them into the school gates.

While it might seem like the best thing for them, long-term, you risk reinforcing their negative feelings towards school, as well as leaving them feeling abandoned and even like they’ve disappointed their parents.

If the worst happens, and you’re unable to get your child into school, you should use that time to understand why they’re so anxious to attend. This way, you can start to seek out more personalised support.

Professional support for school refusal

School refusal, like any anxious behaviour, might be a sign of a deeper psychological condition, such as autism.

If you think your child might have ASD and you wish to seek further assessment, this should start with your GP.

Assessments should be completed only by clinicians with the necessary experience and expertise in the condition. Typically, this will be a psychiatrist, psychologist or an advanced nurse practitioner.

The Autism Service offers Child Autism Assessments to identify these conditions in individuals, so they get the support they need to thrive.

This might include:

Formal school and community support

Your child’s school should offer special educational needs (SEN) support for those facing unique challenges in their learning and wider school experience.

SEN resources for children with autism might include additional teaching support, access to quiet spaces and reasonable adjustments such as flexibility with their uniform. If you believe your child would benefit from this, you should reach out to the school to find out more.

Every local authority in England also has a Special Educational Needs and Disability Information Advice and Support (SENDIAS) service, which provides free information and advice about school and its impact on those with special requirements.

Psychological support

Children with autism might benefit from additional psychological support. For example, cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) can help children understand more about how their thoughts, feelings and behaviours interact, as well as giving them a toolkit of coping strategies.

Alternative therapies might also be appropriate depending on the specific challenges facing your child.

Speech and Language Therapy (SaLT) can help children develop their social skills by focusing on communication and non-verbal cues. And occupational therapy (OT) can also support some children to manage their sensory processing and social-emotional skills to avoid feelings of overwhelm in busy or loud environments like school classrooms and play areas.

Support for parents

Supporting a child in distress can take an emotional toll on parents, too. And it can sometimes feel like you’re facing the challenges alone. But there is support available for parents.

The charity Young Minds operates a Parents Helpline, connecting you with an adviser who can offer personalised emotional support and signposting towards more targeted resources to help manage your wellbeing.

What changes can be made with your school?

You shouldn’t feel alone as a parent when it comes to supporting your child’s school journey. The school is also there to help your child get the most out of their education.

And while there’s no official list of accommodations schools can make, you may be able to discuss some reasonable adjustments with them. These might include:

• Arriving during quieter times: It may be possible for your child to arrive slightly before or after the standard school start time to avoid the loud and busy registration rush.

• Visit before term: If your child is refusing to go to school at the start of a new term or year, they might be worried about the unknown. Speak with the school about potentially visiting together before the term starts. This way, they can explore their new classrooms and other communal areas to ease any anxieties.

• Quiet spaces: Consider asking the school if they have any quiet spaces available to children who are feeling overwhelmed or experiencing sensory overload.

• Understanding your child’s unique needs: It can also help to introduce your child – in person, or even by sending an email describing their unique experiences and challenges – to their new teachers. This way, the teacher can learn about their intentions and struggles and treat them accordingly, rather than assuming they’re being disruptive or disengaged.

Frequently asked questions

Is school refusal part of autism?

School refusal can be a sign of autism – with some children experiencing heightened distress as a result of changing routines, social demands and sensory overload.

However, refusing to go to school is not always a sign of autism. It may be a symptom of an alternative diagnosis, such as ADHD, or simply a result of a negative personal experience. And not all children with autism will present with school refusal, and it’s common for autistic children to enjoy a rich and fulfilling school experience.

Is school refusal part of ADHD?

School refusal can be a sign of ADHD, with some children having a negative experience due to PDA or even getting in trouble due to their behaviour.

However, it’s not always a sign of ADHD, and may be a symptom of an alternative diagnosis, such as autism.

Will I get fined if my child refuses to go to school?

It’s possible that parents can be fined by schools or local councils if children miss school “without a good reason”.

However, the government acknowledges that “children with long-term medical or more serious mental health conditions, and those with special educational needs and disabilities may face additional barriers” in its guidelines.

It’s important to contact the school as early as possible if your child is unable to attend, so you can explain the circumstances around the absence and your child’s unique needs and challenges.

Who can you call if your child refuses to go to school?

If your child regularly refuses to go to school, it’s important to understand the reasons behind their anxiety or distress. This way, you can start to access targeted support to help them overcome their challenges. This might include a formal autism diagnosis.

It’s also important to contact the school at the earliest opportunity to report their absence and explain the circumstances surrounding their school refusal.